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This is me, raw, honest, vulnerable, me. This is a journal for train of thought, for things that inspire me, for the things that strike my fancy. Follow along and learn a little somethin'. This is the evidence that proves I'm human and have emotions. Not only do I have emotions, but I'm a sappy secret romantic.
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Perspective
There are so many sappy love movies out there, even an action movie has some shitty love story entwined into it. After awhile it starts to give false hope. It get me thinking, “Man… I want that.” And then I realize love doesn’t just happen like that. After awhile I have to remind myself what things could turn out to be by watching a movie like Blue Valentine. I cry during that movie, and I’m not one for crying. It just feels so raw. The last few days I’ve just been kind of lonely. Not anything crazy or desperate, but it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up with. Someone who means more to me than just another lay. I’ve also been thinking about how much I fucking hate OkCupid. It’s been a known fact for a couple years that I have had an account and actively use it. It has only occurred to me recently that I don’t want to date anyone off of that site. I don’t want something forced. I want to be that girl at the coffee shop reading your favorite book. I want to be that girl you make eye contact with at our favorite bands show. I want to be that perfect accident. That thing you weren’t looking for, hell, I won’t be looking for you either. So here I am with the same stance I’ve always taken, just let it happen. Don’t try to force puzzle pieces that don’t fit. Sometime I get antsy and forcing is something that is a habit. You play something up in your mind just so you feel better, only to be let down later. I don’t mean to tie more media into what I am saying but when I watch show like “How I Met Your Mother” I feel a little better. I mean shit, 7 seasons and Ted still hasn’t met the one? But every single action he does leads up to falling into the perfect position, into that perfect accident. As much as I hate to feel like fate exists, sometimes the idea really appeals to me. The way everything lined up for me to end up in Portland felt like fate, so why wouldn’t other aspects of my life be on that path? Right time, right place, that’s what it’s all about. So for now I’ll sit back and wait. But don’t you worry, I’ll make the best out of this waiting period. I don’t want to regret the things I haven’t done when I finally decide to settle down. I’ve got to be carefree and selfish while I can. I’m happy where I’m at, who knows what the future holds.
Such a sap.
I drank a bottle of wine and listened to the CD you gave me. I laid in bed listening to your voice and fell in love, figuratively speaking.
Life as I know it
I’ve never been so broke, I’ve never lived so far from Anaheim, I’ve never been such a homebody, I’ve never been so happy. I’ve started fresh and I’ve never felt so good. I feel inspired and alive. Portland is probably the best thing I could have ever done for myself, Orange County was tearing my soul apart. I wasn’t happy and for the first time in my life I did something about it. The people, the landscape, the music, this house, this neighborhood, my roommates; it’s all so breathtaking. I feel again, music and art make me feel emotions I didn’t even know existed anymore. It feels as if I was just a shell of my former self for the past couple years, like part of me had been waiting in Portland all along. I want to bike more, I want to love again, I want to hike, I want to run along the banks of the Willamette until my legs give out. I want to be the best version of myself. I haven’t had one bad day since I’ve moved here. There is so much positivity surrounding me, and it just continues to get stronger everyday.
Uhm. No you may not friend me? No more dialogue and question marks?
To Hell With Everyone Who Said I Was All Talk.
I can’t believe it’s finally happening. I’m packing up and moving on and away. I’ve got the most excited yet nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. That borderline nauseated feeling you get before you get on a roller coaster. A two year plan just went in to effect in a matter of days. I have 15 days till I leave and I still haven’t found a place to stay. Everything is a mess and my room still needs to be packed up. But honestly, I haven’t been this happy in a very long time. Not that I wasn’t happy before, but this is an entirely new feeling. Something so foreign and welcoming. This is the first huge thing I have accomplished in years. All the relationships I put on the back burner, all the stress, all the work has finally paid off. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and still does. And fuck everyone else. California has made me who I am. The shitty people, the environment, my awesome friends, my family. It’s time to start a new chapter. I’m beyond scared, but I know I can do it. Portland is going to make me into something more.
Winning.
I feel really good when people who know my ex come up to me and ask, “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DATE HIM?! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!”
It makes me feel like I came out on top of this one, I was way too good. His loss. I’m totally winning this year.
Trouble.
Oh boy. When I can’t stop think about him after only one day, that can only mean one thing: Trouble. He’s damaged goods and I’m moving away. What’s the positive side about this? He’s really good looking, I mean REALLY good looking. Not to mention fabulous in the sack. Is it worth it? You bet. Le sigh.
Who the hell am I?…Blah Blah Blah
I’ve been stuck in a rut lately. I go out with these people I call my friends and find myself wondering how I got there? I watch them interact with one another and I just feel like a spectator to their life. I listen to their conversations and sit quietly because I just don’t have anything to contribute. These friends aren’t bad people or crazy people or anything. It’s me. I’m different. I feel like I don’t belong someplace I have always been. Such an odd feeling. These people will soon be people that I use to know. If we can’t make time for one another living down the street from each other, then there’s no way MOST of these friendships with stand the test of distance. We will exchange I miss you’s over facebook and agree that they should come visit and it won’t happen. We will have this same conversation every few months until we finally just stop talking and move on with our lives without each other. I’ll be the center of their stories they tell of crazy nights passed, and they will forever be the sidekicks who helped me get home shitfaced a thousand times. We will see each other when I come home for holidays and update one another on our lives and wonder how our paths ever passed to begin with. And life will keep going. And we will keep missing each other.
My mind is somewhere else. It’s like my brain has already moved into the future and I’m just an empty shell going through the motions of my everyday life. I’m bored. I’m not passionate about anything other than moving. I yearn for exploration of a new place. I want to walk the streets of Portland in the rain and legitimately get lost. That’s all I can think about. All day. Every day. A few people reply to my moving with words like, “You can’t run from your problems.” But what they don’t get is I’m not running from anything. There are no REAL problems in my life. I have the same everyday problems as everyone else. I have it pretty good. But that’s the problem, I don’t want good. I want GREAT, I want PHENOMENAL, I just want something more. I want to live my life to it’s potential. I have the ability to do things that could change the world, but not until I’m in the right frame of mind. 
Sobriety at its best.
I have decided that I would give up drinking the entire month of January… One week down. It’s easier than I thought it would be. Alcohol has been such a huge part of my life for so long. It’s nice to know I don’t need it as a social crutch. I’m saving my money, I’m dropping pounds, I’m sleeping better, and I’m just feeling better about myself more and more everyday. I’m still going out to bars with friends, still hanging out. I mean c’mon, I get all the free cokes I want being the DD. I know that this sobriety thing is only for a month, but when I go back to drinking, I refuse to drink as much as I did in the past. I’ve spent thousands (yes, thousands) of dollars on booze over the last six years and I refuse to ever have another over draft due to a pricey bar tab. It’s nice waking up in the morning and wanting nothing more than to go to the gym, rather than waking up wanting to throw up with a hangover. This is my year for change. Last year was a let down. My love life failed, my bank account was sorry looking, I drank way too much. The only good thing to come of it was the friends I made and the job I landed. There’s no use dwelling on the past year, I can only move on and learn from my mistakes. It’s a new year and I know I’m starting it off right. I hope I can continue with this momentum. At this rate I may become the person I have always wanted to be, in the city I’ve been wanting to live in. 
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